This past weekend we did a workshop at the Pearlstone Retreat Center in Baltimore, MD. We were snowed in and had the place to ourselves, twenty two of us. It was really special.

The process of being enslaved in the Egypts of our old unconscious patterns of thinking is often painful, and coming out and facing our fears and vulnerabilities takes a great deal of courage. I witnessed a lot of courage this weekend.

I had a thought regarding something at the end of this week’s Parsha. Moshe and Aaron, Nadav and Avihu, and the seventy elders ascended the mountain. (Moshe would later go up further by himself) The Torah tells us that they saw God, and under God’s feet was that which had the form of a sapphire brick and it was like the essence of heaven in its purity.

Not everyone learns it this way, but the Midrash that Rashi brings down, teaches that this brick was a remembrance of the pain Israel experienced when they were enslaved in Egypt working with bricks.

So they saw God, whatever that means, standing, whatever that means, on this sapphire brick which was pure.

Applying this image into the context of the experience we shared this past weekend retreat; there is a pure foundation which is built from the material of our enslavement and upon it stands our higher selves.

As children we are soft and impressionable like clay. And being so open and impressionable, children can be imprinted with patterns of thinking that often don’t allow us to be powerfully and freely ourselves. These imprinted patterns harden with time like bricks and become ways of being.

Freedom is the opportunity to distinguish our higher selves from the previously enslaving patterns. One level of freedom is to first distinguish ourselves from that which enslaved us while still in Mitsrayim/Egypt. Another level, we actually leave and witness their drowning. And from another perspective, our consciousness ascends a mountain and understands from there.

From this higher perspective of consciousness and freedom, the same brick of slavery can now be seen as a sapphire of purity.

Imagine growing up in a situation in which I am never really listened to. I might take on a persona of; I’m not good enough. And I might generate my life from a place of constantly trying to prove myself. At some point in my life (one of our workshops perhaps), I have the opportunity to walk out of my Mitsrayim and see it consciously for what it is; an old pattern of thinking that I keep schlepping into the present.

I am no longer enslaved to the “story”. I have stepped out of it. I have distinguished it. The “story” is now an object of my awareness. I, for now, am not under the burden of the “I must not be good enough” brick.

Not only am I not under the burden of that brick, I now know, perhaps better than anyone else, the painful impact of living in that enslavement.

The impact on my life from that experience, and the depth of my feelings from that experience, might naturally ignite a powerful passion in me to actually generate listening in the world.

I have tasted the marror/bitterness of not being listened to. And, I now know, on a cellular level, the importance of listening itself. What was once a heavy brick made of mud and straw, a brick in which children were buried; becomes a jewel which serves as the foundation of a mission that my higher self stands on.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

Can’t Do it Alone

When Yitro was instructing Moshe to not do everything by himself and instead to create greater organization and shared leadership, Yitro used the expression, Lo Tov- not good, to describe the way Moshe had been doing things up until then, alone.

When Adam was alone, without his, yet to be created partner, Chava, the Torah uses the same expression, Lo Tov, not good, to describe Adam’s condition of being alone.

If the Torah uses this most fundamental expression “not good” to describe being alone and the same expression “not good” to describe doing things alone, then certainly on some level, good, must refer to being in relationship and doing in connection with others.

I lead an organization, Call of the Shofar. It has been a challenge for me to balance doing things myself, with, empowering others and creating an organization that is greater and more powerful than just me. This balance in leadership is a part of a more universal challenge; we are all individuals, who are at the same time, interconnected within a greater whole. How do I maintain and express my unique self within relationship, as well as, how do I deeply connect with the greater whole I am a part of without losing my self?

Leadership is not simply being one’s self and it is not simply being connecting to the greater whole. A leader is an individual who has a vision of an organizational formation and is able to enroll others in creating that greater, embracing entity. If that vision is powerful enough and has a common denominator that is simple enough, it can resonate with many, and the results can be extraordinary.

What actually takes place when organization is formed from individuals that are now embraced within a new inclusive pattern?

If I am an individual alone, I experience reality as a bunch of separate parts. If I feel I’m a member of a family, my experience is one of being a part of something greater than myself. If I include myself in a community I am even more conscious of the greater interconnectedness we share. That consciousness can grow; from self, to family, to organization, to community, to nation, to world, to Spirit.

The Torah first tells us of Yitro’s advice to Moshe; to create organization and responsible leadership, and then the Torah tells us about the receiving of the Ten Commandments. Many think that the actual sequence of events was in the opposite order.

I want to suggest that even if the actual sequence was different than what was written, the lesson is learned from the way the story is told. There are plenty of examples of organizations where there is a head and a whole network of unconscious, functioning connected parts below. Imagine a nation in which the individuals are empowered to connect to each other consciously, not just from the top down, but all the connections throughout the network have sparks of consciousness passing through.

In the Torah, the Ten Commandments come after the advice given by Yitro and accepted by Moshe. Maybe what we’re being taught is; the wisdom of God’s Oneness comes down after we engage in relationship, consciously, down here.

And that my friends, is good.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

Leaving is Hard to Do

It’s definitely a good question; how could we possibly have complained to Moshe, that we should return to the “good old” days in Egypt?

We were slaves for generations. Children were killed. We almost totally lost our essential selves. We worked to death, and we come out with … Why did you take us out? We should have stayed. Better to die there. Did you bring us up from Egypt to kill us?

After experiencing all the suffering and witnessing all the miracles; unimaginable, right?

At this point I have seen many individuals distinguish between their higher consciousness and their old enslaving patterns of thinking. Not only did they distinguish them, but they deeply felt the impact of the pain of generating their lives from constricting “stories” as opposed to the joy of generating their lives from freedom.

I see people “get it”. Slavery sucks. Not being free to be myself is painful. Thinking that I need to be someone else in order to have love in my life feels bad. After experiencing wellbeing, why would I ever go back there?

I can absolutely speak for myself and almost assuredly speak for others; we do go back. We start second guessing, and then, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe the me in Egypt was the real me. Is fighting for my free self really so important? I got use to it.

I think, besides the difficulty we have of breaking old habits, the fear of the unknown often drives us back to the known, even if we know the known is a bummer.

For some of us it’s simply an unknown, but for some of us, showing up powerfully and freely as ourselves has scary memories. The looks of disappointment when we didn’t know something, the pain of distracted parents when we thought we were all that mattered, etc… And often that’s why we went into exile to begin with. There was some sort of famine that did not nurture our essential selves, that drove us from our “homes” and into the constricted consciousness of Mitzrayim.

People have different relationships to fear. Mine was embarrassment. Big guys shouldn’t be afraid. I was more afraid of showing my fear than I was of what I was afraid of to begin with. But fear is a feeling. Sometimes fear makes sense in relationship to reality. For instance, this is a really steep hill I’m about to go down.

And sometimes fear makes sense in the context of some internal “story”; such as, I’m scared that I’m going to be rejected if I don’t give the right answer. But that feeling is real too. (within the context of the story line that’s going on in my head and that I’m projecting out into the world)

With fear that is in relationship to reality; I can take the challenge, I can gradually wade into it, or I can get support. These are choices.

With fears that are based on old patterns of thinking, once we consciously see ourselves (freedom) as players in our own story (Mitzrayim), we might make similar choices; Take the challenge and walk through the sea from slavery to freedom, gradually venture into a mysterious unknown desert, or be compassionately embraced by a loving relationship/Presence who desires our return “home”.

From a place of wellbeing in ourselves no one really wants to go back to Mitzrayim, but it can be scary to walk out of our “stories”. We can beat ourselves up for being scared, or we can cave in and return.

Or, we can honorably challenge and support ourselves as we bravely leave Egypt, venture into the desert, to be in intimate relationship with Reality.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

Vessels of Silver and Gold

In Parshat Bo, before we actually leave Egypt, we are told to request silver and gold vessels from those who enslaved us. In Parshat Lech Lecha God promised Avraham that his children will be aliens in a strange land for 400 years and his descendants will leave with riches.

So, we are told that when we leave the slavery of Mitzrayim we will do so with great wealth.

In the workshops that Call of the Shofar facilitates most individuals have the opportunity to consciously descend into places of constriction in ourselves. These places are ways of being and ways of thinking that we have been trapped in and often relate to reality from. These are places where we have been living in exile from our essential selves and from our innate wellbeing. We go to those places to bring consciousness and compassion to them and we distinguish them in ourselves so we can transcend them and live from greater levels of freedom.

During a particular process on the workshop, we remember the events that might have sent us into exile (the famine). We distinguish the enslaving patterns of thinking from our higher essences (the plagues that separated us from them). We make our “stories” objects of our awareness through articulating them to others (maggid). We experience the impact that, living from these constrictions, have on our lives (taste the marror). We leave before our defending egos can reconsider and return back into our old “patterns” (before the bread rises/matzoh).

But what is this wealth we go out with?

Coming from my own experience I want to identify two of the possible riches we leave Egypt with.

One, is the ability to deeply resonate with others who are enslaved and who are in exile from their essential selves.

How much more potential for compassion do I have for the pain of another’s enslavement, after having deeply felt the feelings of my own slavery?

And the other, is the strong passion to manifest the qualities that were missing for us, that we went into exile hoping to find.

As an example, let’s say I was not listened to. Would I not really understand how important real listening is, for each one of us and for the world? I would know these feelings on a cellular level because they resonate to our own experience of living in exile.

We are wealthy in ways that would not have been possible had we not experienced our own Mitrayim and our own freedom from that Mitzrayim.

I think we can consider ourselves wealthy if we compassionately feel for others who are going through their own famine and slavery.

And

I think we can consider ourselves wealthy if we passionately stand for the qualities that individuals need to experience Love and Presence in our lives.

Avraham was promised that we would leave with riches. If we leave our own Mitzrayims with these two gifts, the gift of compassion and the gift of passion, in my opinion, we have been given extreme wealth.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha Frischling

Separated by the Plagues

Not fifteen minutes ago, I was thinking about a friend of mine who has more money than I do (you know, one of those rare individuals out there) and I’m getting into my “if only I had…”, “why me”, “I should have…”, “it’s so easy for him” thoughts.

All of a sudden I’m feeling angry and feeling sorry for myself; all the usual suspects show up to play their parts in my long running, block buster, award winning, return engagement of:

“What about me?”

Actors, take your places; little Steven, you’re over there in the corner, no one notices you, and don’t say anything.

You, the siblings, go over there on top of that pedestal, under all the lights and wait for the attention.

You, the two older actors, the parents, you act busy and distracted, and if you do happen to look up from whatever you’re doing, focus on the kids up on the pedestal, only.

OK, take 10, 375; actors take your places, action, roll it…

Come on, do I really want to live through this movie? Again?

When I’m living from this “story”, the impact is anger, jealousy, insecurity, and certainly not a whole lot of gratitude. And joy? From this place? Maybe if my friend looses all his money. Or better yet, if he needs to borrow some from me. Certainly not qualities of being that are conducive to being in intimate relationship with Love and Presence.

Being in Egypt. We’re enslaved in the land of constrictions (Mitzrayim). We’re trapped in our own small minds. We’re working so hard to satisfy some delusional, hard hearted fantasy. We breathe shallowly. We’re too busy for deep connection.

We can go on like this for years, maybe generations.

We can’t leave and experience intimacy with the Divine, not even for three days running.

How does going down into these strange lands in any way answer Avraham’s question: How do I know my children will inherit the land they were promised, inherit their true selves?

It’s usually through some intervening force that we are able to distinguish our true selves from our constricted “stories”. That force may be Higher Consciousness as is, or it may come in the form of someone, like a friend or teacher. Somehow, like the plagues in Egypt, a more conscious, essential self (us) is distinguished from a previously unconscious enslavement.

However, if our personal patterns of thinking “work” well enough and just keep on coasting along, our higher consciousness might not wake up and distinguish itself from its maze. But if the essence of who we are descends far enough into a vortex of enslaved and painful delusional thinking we might be forced to call out, in simple truth, to return home; simple consciousness returning to Itself.

The desire that arises from that place of Mitzrayim may be the guarantee that Avraham was given. And the call from that desire might be the most real connection we ever make.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha Frischling

Do Not Forget

It is certainly my experience that my external reality often reflects my internal state of mind. I know that there is a lot of new age thinking out there that takes this idea to absurd levels; like in the movie The Secret, a kid thinks of a bicycle and opens the door and there it is. That kind of over the top caricature can be a bit damaging because some people end up throwing the truth out with the garbage.

In the beginning of Shmot the Torah tells us we were fruitful and multiplied a lot. It uses six different terms for this and the Sforno learns that we got a little out of hand; following the ways of creepy crawling creatures. According to the Sforno, that’s the reason why the new king could not conceive that we were descendants of Yoseph’s family.

We acted lowly and we got treated accordingly.

Our reality conformed to our state of being.

I don’t want to get into this as an issue of holding a high moral ground. I want to talk about it in regards to how we hold ourselves, how we think about ourselves, and how our reality often conforms to that.

I’ve known men who hold themselves like royalty; they walk into a room and there is no way they would be slighted or disrespected, and if they are for whatever reason, it comes to an end almost instantly. I’ve seen some men be almost like magnets for money or women, and it’s how they hold themselves in the world, as if there is no question of them deserving. I’m not holding these guys up as people to emulate necessarily, the ones I have in mind had their own issues, but they did demonstrate this quality.

I also know too many guys who are absolute gems who project themselves into the world from their deep insecurities, and somehow the world reflects that back to them. It’s almost as if love and honor could walk right by them and look to make eye contact with them, but these men are so busy looking at their own shoes that they miss the opportunity to connect.

Imagine looking down at the ground, shoulders slumped, breathing shallowly, thinking negatively and judgmentally; that’s a whole way of being. For many of us it’s a posture in life that was imprinted on us when we were young, like soft and impressionable clay, whose shape hardened as we got older. And many of us created lives from that posture that reflects and enforces us to remain that way. We forget who we are and pharaoh creates a reality for us that conforms; tax collectors, hard labor, too tired and busy for intimacy.

The women, however, didn’t forget. The women remembered that we are here for intimacy. Whether it was the midwives who refused pharaoh’s orders or the women who lured us into the fields, it was the feminine desire for life and connection that kept us going.

Freedom from our self contained prisms of insecurity takes place through relationships. Relationships that encourage us to stand up straight, to breathe deeply and take time for intimacy, relationships that safely hold our vulnerabilities, relationships that look at us with eyes which reflect back to us our highest selves; eyes that not only reflect back who we are, but are open portals to an Infinite Love patiently waiting.

We get lost in the exile of our own insecurities and the reality we have constructed reflects that image back to us.

Freedom from our enslaved constriction comes from re-membering. Remembering who we are and, re-membering into the intimacy we were created to enjoy.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

Gettin Real

Last night we had a graduation ceremony for the men who participated in the last two “Seasons of Transformation” workshops. I’d say that close to 80 men showed up and a third to a half of them were guests who had never participated in one of our programs. Some of the recent participants shared their experiences very eloquently. I spoke a bit about the courage it took for each man to step up during the workshops, to be real and vulnerable and share with integrity. Many of them bravely battled toxic, negative judgments and fought for his own wellbeing and his right to be a clear channel for God’s light into the world.

I also was aware that we are becoming an organization. We are more than individuals sharing; we are a container that was able to receive that sharing, to listen and appreciate from our own common humanity.

The distinction between the individual and the communal is important on so many levels. When does one start and the other begin? There are needs of a community versus our own needs. There is our own self expression which needs to be considered in the context of the greater organization we might exist within. When is it my time and/or time for my family?

And it’s not just me as an individual in relationship to a bigger whole such as my family or an organization I might belong to. My family, for instance, is the individual unit in relationship to the larger organism of community.

It’s the nature of reality that an individual whole is always a part of a greater whole; whether it is an atom within a molecule, a word in a sentence or an individual within a community. And we all have a drive for freedom and individuality on one side and a drive relationship and intimacy on the other. You can say the former is more masculine and the latter is more feminine, but I think in different proportions we all embody both impulses.

It can be said that this distinction of freedom and intimacy, of self and belonging is the greatest arena of our free choice. We are not just atoms swimming around in molecules. We have been given the gift of consciousness to appreciate the Greater Whole we ultimately exist within as well as the consciousness to maintain the wellbeing of our individual selves.

Some of us lose our selves in the greater wholes we are a part of. Some of us create walls around our selves behind which we don’t feel our connection to the greater whole.

This week, Yaakov blesses Yehudah that the scepter of kingship will not depart from him.

Yehudah personifies the quality of Malkut, Kingship. The root of his name is modeh to acknowledge. We see in Yehudah an ability to acknowledge his individual issues to the whole, in his case with Tamar, as well as his ability to hold the bigger perspective of his family and our mission as a whole.

Malkut is that consciousness. David, who comes from Yehudah, was so involved in his life with vulnerability, fear, courage, love, war… and always with the consciousness of who’s greater Presence he was in the presence of.

Last night I experienced individuals acknowledging parts of themselves as well as recognizing the greater whole we are a part of, vulnerably sharing self while responsibly being a part of a greater organism; in my opinion, a movement towards Malkut.

I need to make some decisions; choices regarding self within whole, family within community.

I’m at the graduation and I’m blown away with the greater organization that seems to be forming.

I’m feeling good.

It’s real.

I go home and open an e-mail from my daughter who borrowed the car which now, all of a sudden, needs a new $1,800 transmission.

A new transmission? $1,800? What the… ?!

Just as real.

It seems we still have to do “the laundry after the ecstasy”, and, you know what, they’re both opportunities for the consciousness of Malkut.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

The Master of Dreams

I just completed a Seasons of Transformation workshop in Israel. It was for me, as they have all been, an extraordinary experience. We were a group of 36 men making the choice to spend 3 full days together opening our hearts, showing up with the courage to be real and listening to our common humanity.

I know for myself that sometimes my heart is not so open, I’m too afraid to be real and I can be too preoccupied in my own head to truly listen and hear the greater symphony we are all a part of.

Rabbi Nachman talks about the need to be an expert in rising and an expert in falling. Created life has cycles; light and darkness, inhaling and exhaling, remembering and forgetting, vibrating towards and away, creating boundaries and connecting in intimacy.

Living our lives from joy and wellbeing and consciously experiencing intimacy from that place is a great gift and perhaps the skill there is the ability to humbly appreciate the opportunity our lives are. Finding ourselves in constricted consciousness, not in wellbeing and not in healthy intimacy happens as well, and crying out in simplicity and connecting to God’s presence in those places is also a skill. Joyfully absorbing the light and acknowledging where it comes from and having the faith that when in darkness we are never really alone; are both ways of bringing consciousness into the full spectrum of life’s frequencies.

We speak about going down and being enslaved in Mitzrayim/Egypt, a lot, during Kiddush, Davening, learning… We certainly don’t choose to dwell on the dark, but it seems that we don’t want to forget it either.

One understanding of our remembering slavery is to allow us to distinguish the quality of freedom; just like there is no experience of light except in relation to darkness, and there is no conscious intimacy with the One except through the experience of other.

Besides the opportunity to make distinction and therefore feel appreciation for the difference, retelling the story of going down to Mitzrayim also gives us a model of how to go down and how, ultimately to come back out.

Yoseph was sold into slavery, into Mitzrayim. Yoseph later realized that God had sent him down to ensure Israel’s survival until our deliverance. He understood that God had sent him, not random circumstance, not his brothers.

Yoseph was a master of dreams. He was able to understand how sequences within the mind relate to the contexts we find ourselves in reality. He was able to embrace seeming random events into a greater whole. Like a jazz musician he could weave separate notes into the structured chord progression of the greater melody. Yoseph’s youthful spontaneity flowed with the mysterious unfolding of the present while maintaining full integrity to the overall purpose.

Yoseph embodied these qualities and God embedded that consciousness into the womb of darkness and chaos before the rest of us went down.

Before exploring the mysteries of our own darkness; we need to be clear that the opportunity is not in blaming our brothers for how we got there. The greater value is relating to present reality as exactly the conditions God gave us to free our own consciousness to serve the One.

Have a great Shabbos,

Simcha

Spiritual Warrior

I’m in Israel right now, and my wife and two of my kids are visiting Australia. Both of us have been going through bouts of jealousy; why isn’t our situation like theirs? Why don’t we have what they have?

I know in my mind that Chanukah is about being grateful for who we are and what we have. It’s about not competing for who is better, but about honoring our individual potential and the opportunity that our lives provide to bring that potential into reality. However, for me, knowing in my mind and feeling in my heart are two different things. When I hear words from the heart they help transform ideas in my head into feelings of my heart. The letter below, that my daughter shared with me are such words.

Abba, this is a monologue that my friend Matt Jeffers wrote for his class. Matt is the short statured friend of mine. He read it to me tonight at Starbucks and I thought you might like it.

~ ~ ~

I believe that you can never underestimate the power of a positive attitude. Do you know why I believe that? I believe that because if that wasn’t the case, then there is no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t be here today. I wouldn’t be here today because somewhere along the road, I would have fallen apart. And with the road I have taken, believe me I’ve had plenty of chances to do just that. See, you’re looking up here, and staring into the eyes of an 18-year-old guy who stands no taller than your average 5th grader. You’re observing and wondering very quietly to yourself, I cannot begin to imagine what life must be like being that short. Well I’ll tell you! It can be hard. If you’re my height, life can be very hard, if you don’t have the attitude I have. You see to me, it’s not worth it to mope around and dwell on the harsh reality that I am and will always be, different. I’ve been through more than my fair share of heartaches and disappointments. And yes, family and friends were a vital part in getting me through the more than 20 surgeries, the staring, the pointing, the laughing, the name-calling. But nothing would have done anything if I hadn’t chosen, at a very young age, to live my life to begin, and end, with a positive attitude. That is what gets me through the day.

I remember like it was yesterday. I was ten years old. It was June. School was nearing the end. I was gleaming with excitement. And then I got the news. My increasingly bowing legs that had already been straightened through a series of surgeries 5 years before had to be re-straightened. Suddenly, my June went from camp and sleepovers, to four surgeries in four weeks, followed by 2 months of recovering in a hip spike cast, blood transfusions, catheters, morphine; unspeakable amounts of pain. But I’ll let you in on a little secret; life can be just as beautiful lying on your back. There wasn’t a day of that summer that I cursed life, because when you have the attitude I have, you don’t curse life.

Conventional wisdom would say that a 4’1” white kid doesn’t belong on the basketball court. To heck with that. Basketball is a passion of mine, and I have put in countless hours on improving my game. The first basketball camp I signed up for was 5 Star Basketball camp when I was 12 years old. I’ll never forget that first day. I literally had all eyes on me; me, with my little black Allen Iverson shoes and Michael Jordan jersey. The laughs, the pointing, it was coming from all directions. Camp hadn’t even started, and I already had been given every reason to quit, to run away, to burn my sneakers and hate ESPN. But I came to play basketball, and there was no way that I was about to let jokes and laughter stop me from putting a ball in the net. Two weeks later, I won the Oray Mullis Sportsmanship Award. And shortly after that, I was offered a spot on the Men’s Olympic short statured basketball team. It pays to be nice. It pays to keep fighting. It pays to be positive.

Fast-forward six years and I was at senior week in Ocean City, celebrating my recent graduation from high school. Finally, I was done, and it was just me and my guys, living the life. The first night we went out to the boardwalk, a heavyset man in his 40’s came running over to me and said; Hey buddy, I have to tell you something. I said sure, what is it? He said, I was just watching this porn with two midgets, and it was the funniest thing ever. You guys rock. I have to be honest. That hurt. Not being able to celebrate a milestone in my life without being put down hurt me. I was missing my armor. You see, every morning in high school, my mother would ask me if I had my armor on. I always said yes. She knew I never took my armor off. But on that night at the boardwalk, even my armor couldn’t stop the pain. I didn’t say anything to that man, just walked away. He won. It’s not always easy to turn the other cheek, but that’s life you know! You take the good with the bad. I did enjoy my senior week. And I am enjoying my life. And I see no reason to stop.

I know the power being positive can have. But too many people don’t. Too many people miss out on life by dwelling over little things. They’re the only things holding us back from moving forward. Keep your head up. The only disability in life is a bad attitude. This I believe.

~ ~ ~

Matt Jeffers is a real spiritual warrior. He is a young man who is daily defeating the darkness of despair with the true light of Chanukah.

Because of him; who am I to feel sorry for myself because so and so has more money or this one lives in Israel or Australia?

A man like Matt has the true stature to raise the bar so the rest of us have no excuse not to be grateful.

Thank you Matt.

Have a great Chanukah,

Simcha

Growing Up

Several months ago, my family was all home and we were all having dinner together. My nine year old was confidently talking about things he had no idea about and the fact that he was doing that was driving my fourteen year old crazy. “How can you say that when you have no idea what you’re saying?”

My twenty year old was amusedly watching what was going on. She remembered how when she was about fourteen she also couldn’t stand it when her younger sibling (the now fourteen year old who was about nine at the time) used to talk as if she knew stuff that she really didn’t have a clue about. At the time I would tell her that she’s only nine and not to get upset about it, but at fourteen, my daughter couldn’t hear that and simply fumed, just like this fourteen year old fumes.

At nine it’s about me.

At fourteen it’s about what’s not right.

At twenty it’s about perspective.

At fifty six it’s about trying to eat a meal in peace already.

The brothers hated Yoseph. They hated him for the coat that their father, Yaakov, gave him. They were jealous of him because of the relationship he had with their father. They hated him for his dreams, and how he spoke about them.

The Torah says that Yoseph was a youth.

The Sforno says that the Torah tells us that Yoseph was young and inexperienced and therefore could not foresee where his behavior would lead; even though he was very intelligent he was not mature and he lacked experience.

As parents, we have to be able to recognize age appropriate levels of development. It’s appropriate for a nine year old to feel his oats. It’s appropriate for a fourteen year old to want fairness and it’s appropriate for a twenty year old to begin developing perspective.

Yoseph was a youth and saw life from that level, but after being sold, after spending twelve years in prison, after going through tests, and eventually finding himself responsible for an entire nation’s economy; Yoseph was able to see life from a much broader perspective.

When he finally revealed himself to his brothers he understood that what transpired between them happened for a reason. You sold me. God sent me here. God made me the leader. All the details, in the perspective of the ultimate outcome, made sense.

I’m sure, to some degree we were all wounded by our parents and/or by our siblings. Life happens. We get angry. We get jealous. We might even do some pretty stupid things to get even. And our reaction makes sense from the developmental level we are on.

Being self absorbed as a young child is cute. Getting nuts over what’s right or wrong at fourteen is admirable. Discovering perspective at twenty is also part of the journey.

As adults our opportunity is to not only transcend each level’s perspective, but to embrace them as necessary stages of growth that we all pass through.

Being created on the last day, we embody all that came before. We are the entire environment that evolved before us. We are the stages of growth we have grown through. And to truly understand this is to have compassion for all the stages of life and all the levels of development that came before.

Will you guys grow up already and will someone please pass the potatoes.

Have great Shabbos,

Simcha